Tomorrow

A new day?
Everything from the past carries over
Awakened to the same drama
Sent to bed feeling the same pain
Living crying the same tears
And facing the same reality
A new day?
Still searching for the same thing
Battling the same desires
Awakened to the same world
Sent to bed to the same hell
Chasing the same dreams
Running away from the same nightmares
A new day?
Searching for the same key
To open the same doors
And lock the same other ones
Pretending to be happy about the same things
For the same people
All the while, really hurting the same way
A new day?
Why do we continue to hold to the same hopes?
To offer up
Anxiously awaiting "Tomorrow" to bring change
Experiencing the same disappointment
From realizing that tomorrow is not really a new day

~D. Renee

'Til Death

"Angels have no thought of ever returning you. Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?"
-Gloomy Sunday by Billie Holiday

Rest in peace
O how I long for rest and peace
My living hours are filled with a search for it
Accompanied by the torturous disappointment of never finding it
Maybe...only 'til death may I attain it

'Til death did us part
Only 'til death will we be back together
My living hours are filled with longing for you
Accompanied by the torturous disappointment of no longer having you
Maybe...only 'til death may I be with you love

Cold numbness
O how I long for cold and numbness
My living hours are spent being in pain
Accompanied by the torturous disappointment of knowing that only more pain is to come
Maybe...only 'til death may my wounds be healed

'Til death did us part
Only 'til death did I know your secret
My living hours are spent trying to understand why
Accompanied by the torturous disappointment of finding out the kind of person you really were
Maybe...only 'til death will my questions be answered

Standing on the line separating life and death
Ready to go whichever way the wind blows
Unto death do I surrender
To cascade into it's loving arms that seem to offer so much comfort
So much relief
Only 'til death may I experience this release

Leaving the pain in the land of the living
To receive the peace in the home of the dead

~D. Renee

Sex is Good

The words of the wise say sex is
Good
Though when misused & mistreated, you wish sex
Could
Just disappear forever so then sex
Would
Stop torturing your soul, causing people to say that to you, sex is just
Misunderstood
Yea right...
The words of the wise say sex is
Great
When the passion between two people is real not
Fake
When the act is done out of love not
Hate
When it is consensual not...
Rape
The words of the wise say sex is
Pure
Except for when its used to deceive &
Lure
And you should know no sex won't
Cure
All of your relationship woes, nor will it help you
Endure
All of life's blows so...yea
The words of the wise say sex is for married folks
Only
To between those two remain perfect &
Holy
But for most unmarried people to say they're not having sex would be a claim that's
Phony
'Cause its often what they pick up the phone & resort to when they're feeling
Lonely
I think its called a booty call
The words of the wise say sex should be
Magical
Though these days its seen more like Flava Flav would say
Dramatical
And being abstinent is an idea now considered
Radical
Willing to be an outcast?
The words of the wise say sex is
Majestic
Though now-a-days its just
Accepted
Hormones raging, its an opportunity not often
Rejected
A desire taken advantage of so money can be
Collected
You love your man so you're out here working the track
The words of the wise say sex is
Bliss
An act that now takes place without a single tender
Kiss
Niggas easily dispose of females that won't be
Missed
Shorty's been bamboozled so now she's
Pissed
A gift that can never be given back
The words of the wise say sex is good
Though it holds little moral value in my hood
Just lay back & open your legs
There won't be no problems as longs as dude don't have to beg
And if he does, it might be your life
But he still gon' get that pussy by the end of the night
So...
The words of the broken say: Sex...
Is it really good?

What joy is there in the midst of tears
What peace is there in the midst of fear
All that like a river flows within me
Searching for the broader
More open ocean to offer its release
A smile
Precious and rare
Hold to it as it fades
To my silence only do I confess
Words that don't dare cross the barrier of my lips
See me for what I am
Every step made
Followed by a shadow of the past
The eminent threat of death looming
Accompanied by the eminent threat of life
Eyes
Glassy...as if I've been stained
And perhaps I have
Dodging and inescapable truth
Finally caught by the grip of the reality of the situation
To the life of a victim
Do I surrender
Unto death
Do I make myself available
For there is no joy in the midst of tears
And no comfort in the midst of tears
So I'm ready to go when he takes
Perhaps there's nothing left to take
Just a shell
Robbed of a soul
Not even innocence remaining
Remnant statue
And maybe then will I be beautiful
Bold, strong, and polished
Made of the most precious marble
And maybe then will I be treasure
Maybe then will I be treasured
Held in my hands is the uncontainable
The abstract
The precious
The rare
The innocence
The ever fading smile
The silence holding my confessions
Sun blazing in my womb
Killed by the moon
Even the stars weep
Then the sky fades to black
But only my body sleeps
Soul reaching out for what is permanently lost
Something that can never be retrieved
Held
Cherished
Nor loved beyond my imagination
And only does the silence know
All that like a river flows within me

Double A

Sitting here
Just me and my friend
Gor warm feeling inside
From my bottle of sin
There for me when I call
To offer its relief and let me dive in
Drowning me in tis love
And I can't swim to the rim
I try to escape
But it just pulls me back in
Different colors
Shapes
And flavors
Its taste
Its presence
Its caress I savor
Me...and my bottle of sin
No one can do me better
For I am never truly happy
Until we are together
There by my side
To help me face the stormy weather
It gives me happiness
It gives me pleasure
It sings me a song
It gives me peace
It rocks me in its arms
And puts me to sleep
And when I wake up
Im alone again
Just me, a headache
And an empty bottle of sin
I scream why'd you go?!
You were supposed to be my friend!
Then it says I'll be back for you
And shoots me a sly grin
But I need you now I say
As I reach out
But its gone; just a memory
As I sit on my couch
Alone with no money
I can't even by a friend
So I contemplate what to do
And decide its time for life to end
My obituary will read
Killed by a bottle of sin
That wore a mask, and disguised itself
As my best friend

When the tears start to flow
When the pain is torturous
And the memories of the past are relentless
When everywhere around you there is sadness
And not even your best friend can seem to help you through
When you've been running so long
That your strength is gone
And the road of trials seems to go on and on
When you're losing your mind
There's so much to do but so little time
And you feel like you're in a field of emotional mines
Just ready to blow
When the heat of the sun of strife is glaring on you with no umbrella-ella-ay...
Able is not in your vocabulary
Success is a distant memory
And happiness left at the change of what was happening
You're trying to hold on
But you're losing your grip
Trying to keep the pieces together
But you're out of glue
Trying to move on
But there's no where to go
Trying to let go
But the pain sticks like velcro
You pray and cry and wonder if God's listening to you
But maybe the problem is that you're not listening to him
Steady listening to the people that don't know what's best
When all God says is obey me and I'll do the rest
So determined to do things yourself
And look...
Now the tears have started to flow
Peace
Be still
Listen for his voice
Deliverance of unrelenting pain
You make the choice
When the storms come
And the boat rocks sailing life's waves
The people you thought were your friends will throw you overboard to save themselves
Drowning in sin
Will you humble yourself and say Lord I need your help?!
So far from the peaceful shore
And the tears have started to flow
So quick to turn to God
Because we know he can deliver us
We hear his voice loud and clear then
But when everything's alright
And life's going smoothly
How quickly do we forget
How quickly do we forget that it was he that brought us through
That it was he that saved us when we couldn't save ourselves
That it was he that dried our eyes
When the tears started to flow

2 Sides of the Girl

If you're silent
Will she speak for you
Will she cry for you
If you're silent
Will she scream for you
If you runaway
Will she fight the battle for you
Will she go through the storm for you
If you hide
Will she face the pain for you
Will she cry for you
When you're sleep
Will she endure the nightmares for you
Will she absorb the deja'vus for you
If you deny it
Will she erase the past for you
If you try to put it behind you
Will she confront it when the memories of it rear their ugly head
Will she cry for you
When you lose faith
Will she pray for you
Will she live right for you
When you lose hope
Will she run the race for you
When you're going through hell
Will she take the heat for you
Will she absorb the flames for you
If you're silent...
She can't speak for you
She can't scream for you
She can't cry for you

Untitled

The wind blows the leaves on the trees
And they seem to whisper your name
They laugh at my misfortune
Because I was so close to you
So close I could feel your heat
My lust for you rose within me
So high that I thought I was going to burst
But I couldn't have you...
Not then
Thoughts of you have tortured my dreams
And I long for you now more than I ever have
To be close to you
And hold you in my arms
To have you deep within me
For the first time...
And again...
And again...
And again after that
To call your name
And you be near
Or better yet...
That you never leave my side
And I never wonder where you are
So when I want you
I can have you...all the time
The wind blows the leaves on the trees
And they seem to whisper your name
The repetition of your name tortures me
Because I can never seem to have you
But I would give the world for you
If you just stopped running from me
If you would make yourself available to me
If you offered yourself to me
I would accept
The wind blows the leaves on the trees
And they seem to whisper your name
They say: "Peace. Peace."
And all I can think about is how much I want you

The Rich.The Poor.The Scandalous- Part 1

The Mistress
YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
The one statement that resonated throughout her life
Everything around her screamed it
It seemed like it was all she ever heard
Baby it was good but...
I would've liked it if...
I don't see why they picked you anyway when...
That other girl is so much better
Always only second best
To...
The other girl
That other girl
Some other girl
Adult life always drowned in
Girl when you gon' get a husband
And
Girl you still waitin' on that man to leave his wife
So she grits her teeth
Puts on a smile
And tries to convince her friends...
And herself
That this is the life
After all
No strings attached
No responsibilities
And the kids aren't hers
At least...
Those kids aren't hers
Yea...this is the life
When baby I love you
Becomes bitch get an abortion
She just can't do it like you do
Becomes you just can't love me like she does
We're gonna start our own family
Becomes but she's the mother of my kids
And I just can't live without you
Becomes I just can't love you
And with that she's off
Off to the next one
Accepting of this only second best mentality
She desensitizes herself to the pain she really feels
You all know her
You see her everyday
Whether young
Or old
Whether rich
Or poor...
Still scandalous

Forgive me, oh heart
I have tried my hardest to protect you
To protect you from pain
And from hurt
From despair
And from betrayal
From being bent
To broken
To down-right shattered
Forgive me for my broken promises
For I promised to protect you
And I vowed not to let anyone else etch their name on you
And I promised to never again let anyone come in to see you
Yet here again I find myself wallowing in tears
Wallowing in tears filled with the pain felt from the uncertainty of love
The waivering of like
And the betrayal of lust
Forgive me, oh heart
I have tried my hardest to protect you
To keep you from the deceiving faces of comfort and hope the pain in reality can often wear
To keep you from sharing you deepest and darkest hours with the demons that hide behind comfort and hope
To shield you from the pain that caring can bring
To close the vault to you emotions
Allowing them to lie dorment in the deep recesses of your soul
To keep you in a state of blankness that doesn't allow anyone in or anything out
Yet here again I find myself wallowing in tears
Tears filled with the pain felt from the uncertainty of love
The waivering of like
And the betrayal of lust
Forgive me, oh heart
For I have tried my hardest to protect you
But I guess my best just wasn't good enough
Wasn't good enough to shield you
Shelter you
And save you
The blood of your death is on my hands
If only I had done a better job of caring for you
If only I had been careful about who I lent you out to
I wouldn't find myself here
Wallowing in tears
Tears filled with the pain felt from the uncertainty of lobe
The waivering of like
And the betrayal of lust
Forgive me, oh heart
For I have tried my hardest to protect you
Yet I have failed
Time and time again I have failed
If only I had had the opprotunity to let you know how much you meant to me
As I close the casket on you lifeless remnants
I ask for you forgiveness
For though I tried my hardest to protect you
I still ended up letting you die

This is how I feel

I feel as though I am blessed to have spent the time I have spent with you. I feel as though I am glad to have shared the moments that I have shared with you. Im glad that we gave even the notion of "us" a chance. Im glad to have you in my life, whether for a moment, a season, or a prolonged period of time. Stealing from you again lol, luv u lik a fat kid luv cake.

A Word For The Eyes That Grace

Peace. It is not handled. It is not held. It is absorbed. It is inhaled and left to resonate with the rest of ones's soul. Peace. It is everything one hopes for, and more than what they ever could imagine. It is a moment, an object, a person, a color, an idea to imense for any one human to wrap his or her mind around. Peace. How does one even begin to even remotely describe peace. Are there words any the dictionary of any language that accurately capture peace in the essence of its purest form. At best, the most educated of scholars can only mediocrely box in a general idea of such a notion; however, for something to be so great, it is not shy about who it graces with its presence. All who seek it can find it if they seek it genuinely and whole heartedly. Peace.

Six Flags Fashion

Ok...issue #1 is the shorts that are too short to even qualify as clothing. Like, how can that possibly be comfortable? Even worse, is when the shorts are already too short, but these females decide to roll them up anyway! Also, if you are big...put your fat away. It's unattractive and nobody wants to see that; its disgusting! All in all, watch how you dress, because coming out in public means that people can see you, and if we must see you then you should at least look half way decent. Issue #2 is how couples need to conduct themselves when they come to six flags. Cuddleing in line is acceptable; however,border line screwing while waiting in line is completely and utterly unacceptable; not to mention tacky and classless!

God of our silent tears
Why must my tears be silent?
God of our weary years
Why can't my cry be heard?
Surely been 'buked
And surely been scorned
Why hasn't anyone rescued me from my suffering?
Maybe because they don't know I'm suffering
But, why don't they know I'm suffering?
Because they can't hear my cry
But, why can't my cry be heard?
Because my tears have been silenced
Shut up
Hushed
Made invisible before they ever fell from my cheek
So its as if I never cried
As if I was never hurt
As if I never felt pain
As if my heart was never broken
As if my smile never left
As if...
God of our silent tears
Why must my tears be silent?
And God of our weary years
Why can't my cry be heard?
Surely been hurt
So why can't anyone see my pain?
No one can see my pain
And no one can hear my cry
Its as if I'm invisible
Or better yet...
As if I don't even exist
So...
God of our silent tears
Why must my tears even fall?

(c)2008

BET Awards 08

Ok, so lets talk about the BET Awards. First of all, I'm highly upset that Usher lip sung his entire performance! I'm like what is this?!?! I felt totally robbed. However, the dancing on the moving walkways was hot. So upon seeing Chirs Brown and the umbrella chick sitting together at yet another awards show, I'm convinced that they're an item. Neyo's outfit was banging! I was really feeling the brown ensemble. It was nice. DL Hughley was a little funny at the beginning but all in all he was a horrible host. So maybe I've been living under a rock, but when did Terrence Howard start pulling this whole guitar stunt? It was hot though. Chris Brown won best male R&B, and I'm not surprised. Not sure he deserved it but whatever! Jeezy's performance would've been hotter than it was if it wasn't for all that dang on censoring!!! It was so annoying. Maybe this is just strictly personal, but I'm sick of Chris Paul losing to Kobe! It sickens me. Keisha Cole know she really could've invested in buying a sister a better looking, and better fitting dress because the boobs about to pop out thing has not, is not, and never will be hot! Her mom looked ok though. Her performance however, sucked. It was worse than her sister in that awful dress, and Lil' Kim was undressed...as usual. Nia Long's dress was really cute, minus the pockets though...I just don't get that! And I'm convinced that Morris Chestnut's stylist needed to be pimp slapped for having him out there looking like that! Ew! Missy won best female hip-hop, yeah whatever. Neyo's performance was hot, and the Jabawockeez (spl. chck.) killed it! The Dream won best new artist and I really think it should've either been Estelle or Chrissette Michelle. Alicia Keys was straight even though I don't like "Teenage Love Affair". But it was definately hot how she had the girl groups come out there. En Vogue killed it. SWV was hot too, but Lord knows they've put on some pounds over the years! And does T-Boz smoke because she sounded like she was dying of lung cancer! Niecy Nash was hilarious! After hearing her I immediately went out and got me a white kid...ok no not really. Anyway, Kanye won best male hip hop, and once again I'm not surprised. I thought it was a nice gesture of him to bring Weezy up on stage with him when he accepted his award. T-Pain looked a hot mess as usual, and to make matters worse...I HAD TO SEE HIM TWICE!!! Big Boi and Ludacris were flame! UGK's "International Players' Anthem" won best video and I'm so glad! That video rocked. Marvin Sapp put on for all the save, sanctified, and filled with the holy ghost people, and then won best gospel. Chris Brown's performance was hot! I'm immensely glad that he didn't lip sing, and the words in the water was hot. I wouldn't be surprised if Rhianna and Ciara have beef after that performance though because it was looking a little steamy up there! Ciara was a little close and from the look on Rhianna's face, she was not too happy about it. Al Green won the lifetime achievement award. Jill Scott...is a beast! Anthony Hamilton...tore it up, and kind of favors Al Green in his younger days. Maxwell...o my God! It was so good to see him again, and he cut his hair! I was like wow! I was unaware that Al Green was now Rev. Al Green, but I do know that he still got it! I'm glad he kept his acceptance speech quick and to the point. Observing the crowd during his performance...does Neyo have a girlfriend? And does Queen Latifah have a BOYfriend? Sheryl Underwood looked a hot mess. She is extra crispy! I really would love to know who this lady in the audience was that Al Green put on blast during in his performance! Then, I was really going to need Busta Rhymes to get off his imaginary horn! UGK know they was clowing! Moving on, I am also convinced that Terrence and Rocsi are definately an item. But what I would really love to know is why she don't ever shout out Power 92 when she on 106 & Park? I mean has she forgotten that those are the people that gave her her start? Lets not be ungrateful! Weezy won viewer's choice and I'm mad he had to bring everybody and they dang on mama up there with him when he accepted his award, but at the same rate, I'm not surprised; he always does that. Rhianna's performance was hot, and I love that song, but I also noticed how the camera kept cutting to Chris Brown! The humanitarian award went to Quincy Jones. Nelly's performance...yea his career is just about over so I suggest he marry Ashanti while he still has enough cash to buy her a nice ring. O...and Fergie...looked awful. CLEARLY her face has not recovered from that meth addiction. Best female r&b went to Alicia Keys and I felt she deserved it. Last, but surely not least, my baby rocked! Minus the T-Pain aspect, Lil' Wayne blazed fire on that stage! It was an excellent way to end a mediocre show.

*Bitch I'm Back On My Grizzy*

OMG!!! I can't believe how long its been since I've last blogged. Well...what to say? First, I want to thank all of my friends that loved and supported me throughout everything. Where would I be without you guys? You definately keep me sane. I also want to take the time to congratulate all graduates from the class of 08. Im very proud of you guys. Though I'm sad to see you go, and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of my years at the hell hole I attend known as high school, im glad that you are furthering your education; taking those first steps to becoming bigger and better people. So...yea...school is out. It's officially summer. Im doing something like enjoying myself...well as far as sitting at the house doing close to absolutely nothing can stand to be enjoyable. Do I miss anybody? I'm not sure. Not really lol. I guess the memories of them are still to fresh for me to miss them yet...oh well...it happens. As far as putting people on blast...I want to put on blast the one female that throughout this school year has proven herself to be an extremely phony person. No names necessary because that creates drama, but i find it amazing how she wonders how and why it is that she seems to be losing all of her friends! I mean lets try this on for size...YOU'RE PHONY, UNTRUSTWORTHY, AND UGLY!!! (and face it...nobody wants ugly friends...well at least not that ugly) Anyway, where as the conversation we shared on the last day of school was nice and cordial, the anger is still there. Do not be fooled. Everything is NOT fine and dandy. When the school year starts again nothing will have changed. Well what about second chances? I gave you a second chance in case you forgot. My patience runs thin, and for you, it is completely depleted. On a more exciting note (I guess), I have all honors classes next year! YAY!!! GO ME!!! Unfortunately, double math is taking up my elective so I can't be in choir...but it'll all be worth it when im in calculus senior year. I managed to actually make it through this school year lol. 4 referrals and plenty of enemies(students and teachers alike lol), but I made it none the less. Next year is just another challange. To remain sane? Yes. To remain cordial? Yes. To remain legal? Yes. I've realized that I am always only on the edge of greatness...next year...maybe I will actually cross over into greatness...maybe...just maybe...

*untitled for rit now*

My teacher said,
Go home and write
a page tonight.
About how our studies have affected you---
Then, it will be true.

The cries are in the wind
The blood is in the soil
And I wonder if what I feel is really pain
I wonder if the tears I cry are expressions of genuine sadness
If my heart and mind really knows what it’s like to be hurt
Visions of the masses trying to climb the slippery walls of despair
Reaching for that closing window of opportunity
Gasping for air
All the while drowning
In despair
In betrayal
In pain
In the blood of their loved ones

Collapsed in their last positions
With a twinkle still in their eye from that tear that never fell
A glassy gaze still searching for an explanation
As their children
Now orphans
Stand behind the bars of the imprisonment of hope
Waiting for a return that will never come
Not knowing that they will be next
Make me wonder if I deserve the life I live?
Am I worthy of the air I breathe?
Do I have the right to say I’ve been done wrong?
Who am I to say that I feel pain?
Because I curse the wind
Saying it makes me cold
When the wind carries their cries
And I never stop to listen
As the needless tears I cry reach the ground
They mix with the blood
That waters their spirits that live through the flowers
The flowers that I curse because they make me sneeze


As I submerse myself in my sleep
I wonder if I deserve to live the life I live
As I see visions of people drowning
In despair
In betrayal
In pain
In the blood of their loved ones

Good Night. Sweet Dreams

*OMG*

So I'm in English studying the Holocaust. Here are some poems that touched my heart!

UNANSWERED....?
by DUNIO BERNHAUT

Will I always remember?
Can I ever forget
Or is the sentence perpetual and conclusively set?

Will the memories dwindle?
Can the torment subside
Or is the cycle relentless as the flow of the tide?

Will sadness release me?
Can I ever know joy
Or is fate still unfolding some merciless ploy?

Will somebody know me?
Can I be seen through the haze
Or is the image evasive, an intricate maze?

Will my life serve a purpose?
Was it carefully planned
Or is destiny adding one more granule of sand?

Like shadowy visions concealing in fear
Most answers elusive, opaque and unclear
But these so translucent through a shroud of regret:
Yes, I will always remember; No, I can never forget....




I C A N N O T F O R G E T
THE ACTION IN THE GHETTO OF ROHATYN, MARCH 1942.
by Alexander Kimel- Holocaust Survivor.
Do I want to remember?
The peaceful ghetto, before the raid:
Children shaking like leaves in the wind.
Mothers searching for a piece of bread.
Shadows, on swollen legs, moving with fear.
No, I don't want to remember, but how can I forget?

Do I want to remember, the creation of hell?
The shouts of the Raiders, enjoying the hunt.
Cries of the wounded, begging for life.
Faces of mothers carved with pain.
Hiding Children, dripping with fear.
No, I don't want to remember, but how can I forget?

Do I want to remember, my fearful return?
Families vanished in the midst of the day.
The mass grave steaming with vapor of blood.
Mothers searching for children in vain.
The pain of the ghetto, cuts like a knife.
No, I don't want to remember, but how can I forget?

Do I want to remember, the wailing of the night?
The doors kicked ajar, ripped feathers floating the air.
The night scented with snow-melting blood.
While the compassionate moon, is showing the way.
For the faceless shadows, searching for kin.
No, I don't want to remember, but I cannot forget.

Do I want to remember this world upside down?
Where the departed are blessed with an instant death.
While the living condemned to a short wretched life,
And a long tortuous journey into unnamed place,
Converting Living Souls, into ashes and gas.
No. I Have to Remember and Never Let You Forget.



HomelandLois E. Olena

It was Christmas eve
and there was no room in the inn,
the Oswiecim inn,
so the Arrow Cross
took the children,
barefooted
and in their nighties,
out to the Danube
and filled their little bellies
not with bread
but bullets
flipping them
like tiddlywinks
into the congealing, icy river below.

It was the Red Danube
that night,
choking on the blood
of orphan Jews
whose little Blue faces
floated downstream
touring even all of Europe
until they washed up
on the shores of Eretz Yisrael
and came back to life,
their little blue and white
bodies
raised high,
flapping in the wind.

*IM BACK*

Ok so I've given up on the novel thing...for right now. I'll porobably back at it later, but its probably going to be fiction as oppossed to more autobiographical. I'll just stick to my poetry for right now. Look for more to come.

*Apologies*

I apologize! I kno i haven't been blogging recently. I've been extremely busy...unfortunately, and just haven't had time to deal with this whole blogging thing. To make things even more compicated, I will probably now be taking an even longer hiatus because I'm working on a novel. Forgive me but it is what it is! I will try to blog some every now and again, but if I can't...so be it. LUV U ALL!!!
*~Pray for me~*