Forgive me, oh heart
I have tried my hardest to protect you
To protect you from pain
And from hurt
From despair
And from betrayal
From being bent
To broken
To down-right shattered
Forgive me for my broken promises
For I promised to protect you
And I vowed not to let anyone else etch their name on you
And I promised to never again let anyone come in to see you
Yet here again I find myself wallowing in tears
Wallowing in tears filled with the pain felt from the uncertainty of love
The waivering of like
And the betrayal of lust
Forgive me, oh heart
I have tried my hardest to protect you
To keep you from the deceiving faces of comfort and hope the pain in reality can often wear
To keep you from sharing you deepest and darkest hours with the demons that hide behind comfort and hope
To shield you from the pain that caring can bring
To close the vault to you emotions
Allowing them to lie dorment in the deep recesses of your soul
To keep you in a state of blankness that doesn't allow anyone in or anything out
Yet here again I find myself wallowing in tears
Tears filled with the pain felt from the uncertainty of love
The waivering of like
And the betrayal of lust
Forgive me, oh heart
For I have tried my hardest to protect you
But I guess my best just wasn't good enough
Wasn't good enough to shield you
Shelter you
And save you
The blood of your death is on my hands
If only I had done a better job of caring for you
If only I had been careful about who I lent you out to
I wouldn't find myself here
Wallowing in tears
Tears filled with the pain felt from the uncertainty of lobe
The waivering of like
And the betrayal of lust
Forgive me, oh heart
For I have tried my hardest to protect you
Yet I have failed
Time and time again I have failed
If only I had had the opprotunity to let you know how much you meant to me
As I close the casket on you lifeless remnants
I ask for you forgiveness
For though I tried my hardest to protect you
I still ended up letting you die

This is how I feel

I feel as though I am blessed to have spent the time I have spent with you. I feel as though I am glad to have shared the moments that I have shared with you. Im glad that we gave even the notion of "us" a chance. Im glad to have you in my life, whether for a moment, a season, or a prolonged period of time. Stealing from you again lol, luv u lik a fat kid luv cake.

A Word For The Eyes That Grace

Peace. It is not handled. It is not held. It is absorbed. It is inhaled and left to resonate with the rest of ones's soul. Peace. It is everything one hopes for, and more than what they ever could imagine. It is a moment, an object, a person, a color, an idea to imense for any one human to wrap his or her mind around. Peace. How does one even begin to even remotely describe peace. Are there words any the dictionary of any language that accurately capture peace in the essence of its purest form. At best, the most educated of scholars can only mediocrely box in a general idea of such a notion; however, for something to be so great, it is not shy about who it graces with its presence. All who seek it can find it if they seek it genuinely and whole heartedly. Peace.

Six Flags Fashion

Ok...issue #1 is the shorts that are too short to even qualify as clothing. Like, how can that possibly be comfortable? Even worse, is when the shorts are already too short, but these females decide to roll them up anyway! Also, if you are big...put your fat away. It's unattractive and nobody wants to see that; its disgusting! All in all, watch how you dress, because coming out in public means that people can see you, and if we must see you then you should at least look half way decent. Issue #2 is how couples need to conduct themselves when they come to six flags. Cuddleing in line is acceptable; however,border line screwing while waiting in line is completely and utterly unacceptable; not to mention tacky and classless!

God of our silent tears
Why must my tears be silent?
God of our weary years
Why can't my cry be heard?
Surely been 'buked
And surely been scorned
Why hasn't anyone rescued me from my suffering?
Maybe because they don't know I'm suffering
But, why don't they know I'm suffering?
Because they can't hear my cry
But, why can't my cry be heard?
Because my tears have been silenced
Shut up
Hushed
Made invisible before they ever fell from my cheek
So its as if I never cried
As if I was never hurt
As if I never felt pain
As if my heart was never broken
As if my smile never left
As if...
God of our silent tears
Why must my tears be silent?
And God of our weary years
Why can't my cry be heard?
Surely been hurt
So why can't anyone see my pain?
No one can see my pain
And no one can hear my cry
Its as if I'm invisible
Or better yet...
As if I don't even exist
So...
God of our silent tears
Why must my tears even fall?

(c)2008

BET Awards 08

Ok, so lets talk about the BET Awards. First of all, I'm highly upset that Usher lip sung his entire performance! I'm like what is this?!?! I felt totally robbed. However, the dancing on the moving walkways was hot. So upon seeing Chirs Brown and the umbrella chick sitting together at yet another awards show, I'm convinced that they're an item. Neyo's outfit was banging! I was really feeling the brown ensemble. It was nice. DL Hughley was a little funny at the beginning but all in all he was a horrible host. So maybe I've been living under a rock, but when did Terrence Howard start pulling this whole guitar stunt? It was hot though. Chris Brown won best male R&B, and I'm not surprised. Not sure he deserved it but whatever! Jeezy's performance would've been hotter than it was if it wasn't for all that dang on censoring!!! It was so annoying. Maybe this is just strictly personal, but I'm sick of Chris Paul losing to Kobe! It sickens me. Keisha Cole know she really could've invested in buying a sister a better looking, and better fitting dress because the boobs about to pop out thing has not, is not, and never will be hot! Her mom looked ok though. Her performance however, sucked. It was worse than her sister in that awful dress, and Lil' Kim was undressed...as usual. Nia Long's dress was really cute, minus the pockets though...I just don't get that! And I'm convinced that Morris Chestnut's stylist needed to be pimp slapped for having him out there looking like that! Ew! Missy won best female hip-hop, yeah whatever. Neyo's performance was hot, and the Jabawockeez (spl. chck.) killed it! The Dream won best new artist and I really think it should've either been Estelle or Chrissette Michelle. Alicia Keys was straight even though I don't like "Teenage Love Affair". But it was definately hot how she had the girl groups come out there. En Vogue killed it. SWV was hot too, but Lord knows they've put on some pounds over the years! And does T-Boz smoke because she sounded like she was dying of lung cancer! Niecy Nash was hilarious! After hearing her I immediately went out and got me a white kid...ok no not really. Anyway, Kanye won best male hip hop, and once again I'm not surprised. I thought it was a nice gesture of him to bring Weezy up on stage with him when he accepted his award. T-Pain looked a hot mess as usual, and to make matters worse...I HAD TO SEE HIM TWICE!!! Big Boi and Ludacris were flame! UGK's "International Players' Anthem" won best video and I'm so glad! That video rocked. Marvin Sapp put on for all the save, sanctified, and filled with the holy ghost people, and then won best gospel. Chris Brown's performance was hot! I'm immensely glad that he didn't lip sing, and the words in the water was hot. I wouldn't be surprised if Rhianna and Ciara have beef after that performance though because it was looking a little steamy up there! Ciara was a little close and from the look on Rhianna's face, she was not too happy about it. Al Green won the lifetime achievement award. Jill Scott...is a beast! Anthony Hamilton...tore it up, and kind of favors Al Green in his younger days. Maxwell...o my God! It was so good to see him again, and he cut his hair! I was like wow! I was unaware that Al Green was now Rev. Al Green, but I do know that he still got it! I'm glad he kept his acceptance speech quick and to the point. Observing the crowd during his performance...does Neyo have a girlfriend? And does Queen Latifah have a BOYfriend? Sheryl Underwood looked a hot mess. She is extra crispy! I really would love to know who this lady in the audience was that Al Green put on blast during in his performance! Then, I was really going to need Busta Rhymes to get off his imaginary horn! UGK know they was clowing! Moving on, I am also convinced that Terrence and Rocsi are definately an item. But what I would really love to know is why she don't ever shout out Power 92 when she on 106 & Park? I mean has she forgotten that those are the people that gave her her start? Lets not be ungrateful! Weezy won viewer's choice and I'm mad he had to bring everybody and they dang on mama up there with him when he accepted his award, but at the same rate, I'm not surprised; he always does that. Rhianna's performance was hot, and I love that song, but I also noticed how the camera kept cutting to Chris Brown! The humanitarian award went to Quincy Jones. Nelly's performance...yea his career is just about over so I suggest he marry Ashanti while he still has enough cash to buy her a nice ring. O...and Fergie...looked awful. CLEARLY her face has not recovered from that meth addiction. Best female r&b went to Alicia Keys and I felt she deserved it. Last, but surely not least, my baby rocked! Minus the T-Pain aspect, Lil' Wayne blazed fire on that stage! It was an excellent way to end a mediocre show.

*Bitch I'm Back On My Grizzy*

OMG!!! I can't believe how long its been since I've last blogged. Well...what to say? First, I want to thank all of my friends that loved and supported me throughout everything. Where would I be without you guys? You definately keep me sane. I also want to take the time to congratulate all graduates from the class of 08. Im very proud of you guys. Though I'm sad to see you go, and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of my years at the hell hole I attend known as high school, im glad that you are furthering your education; taking those first steps to becoming bigger and better people. So...yea...school is out. It's officially summer. Im doing something like enjoying myself...well as far as sitting at the house doing close to absolutely nothing can stand to be enjoyable. Do I miss anybody? I'm not sure. Not really lol. I guess the memories of them are still to fresh for me to miss them yet...oh well...it happens. As far as putting people on blast...I want to put on blast the one female that throughout this school year has proven herself to be an extremely phony person. No names necessary because that creates drama, but i find it amazing how she wonders how and why it is that she seems to be losing all of her friends! I mean lets try this on for size...YOU'RE PHONY, UNTRUSTWORTHY, AND UGLY!!! (and face it...nobody wants ugly friends...well at least not that ugly) Anyway, where as the conversation we shared on the last day of school was nice and cordial, the anger is still there. Do not be fooled. Everything is NOT fine and dandy. When the school year starts again nothing will have changed. Well what about second chances? I gave you a second chance in case you forgot. My patience runs thin, and for you, it is completely depleted. On a more exciting note (I guess), I have all honors classes next year! YAY!!! GO ME!!! Unfortunately, double math is taking up my elective so I can't be in choir...but it'll all be worth it when im in calculus senior year. I managed to actually make it through this school year lol. 4 referrals and plenty of enemies(students and teachers alike lol), but I made it none the less. Next year is just another challange. To remain sane? Yes. To remain cordial? Yes. To remain legal? Yes. I've realized that I am always only on the edge of greatness...next year...maybe I will actually cross over into greatness...maybe...just maybe...

*untitled for rit now*

My teacher said,
Go home and write
a page tonight.
About how our studies have affected you---
Then, it will be true.

The cries are in the wind
The blood is in the soil
And I wonder if what I feel is really pain
I wonder if the tears I cry are expressions of genuine sadness
If my heart and mind really knows what it’s like to be hurt
Visions of the masses trying to climb the slippery walls of despair
Reaching for that closing window of opportunity
Gasping for air
All the while drowning
In despair
In betrayal
In pain
In the blood of their loved ones

Collapsed in their last positions
With a twinkle still in their eye from that tear that never fell
A glassy gaze still searching for an explanation
As their children
Now orphans
Stand behind the bars of the imprisonment of hope
Waiting for a return that will never come
Not knowing that they will be next
Make me wonder if I deserve the life I live?
Am I worthy of the air I breathe?
Do I have the right to say I’ve been done wrong?
Who am I to say that I feel pain?
Because I curse the wind
Saying it makes me cold
When the wind carries their cries
And I never stop to listen
As the needless tears I cry reach the ground
They mix with the blood
That waters their spirits that live through the flowers
The flowers that I curse because they make me sneeze


As I submerse myself in my sleep
I wonder if I deserve to live the life I live
As I see visions of people drowning
In despair
In betrayal
In pain
In the blood of their loved ones

Good Night. Sweet Dreams

*OMG*

So I'm in English studying the Holocaust. Here are some poems that touched my heart!

UNANSWERED....?
by DUNIO BERNHAUT

Will I always remember?
Can I ever forget
Or is the sentence perpetual and conclusively set?

Will the memories dwindle?
Can the torment subside
Or is the cycle relentless as the flow of the tide?

Will sadness release me?
Can I ever know joy
Or is fate still unfolding some merciless ploy?

Will somebody know me?
Can I be seen through the haze
Or is the image evasive, an intricate maze?

Will my life serve a purpose?
Was it carefully planned
Or is destiny adding one more granule of sand?

Like shadowy visions concealing in fear
Most answers elusive, opaque and unclear
But these so translucent through a shroud of regret:
Yes, I will always remember; No, I can never forget....




I C A N N O T F O R G E T
THE ACTION IN THE GHETTO OF ROHATYN, MARCH 1942.
by Alexander Kimel- Holocaust Survivor.
Do I want to remember?
The peaceful ghetto, before the raid:
Children shaking like leaves in the wind.
Mothers searching for a piece of bread.
Shadows, on swollen legs, moving with fear.
No, I don't want to remember, but how can I forget?

Do I want to remember, the creation of hell?
The shouts of the Raiders, enjoying the hunt.
Cries of the wounded, begging for life.
Faces of mothers carved with pain.
Hiding Children, dripping with fear.
No, I don't want to remember, but how can I forget?

Do I want to remember, my fearful return?
Families vanished in the midst of the day.
The mass grave steaming with vapor of blood.
Mothers searching for children in vain.
The pain of the ghetto, cuts like a knife.
No, I don't want to remember, but how can I forget?

Do I want to remember, the wailing of the night?
The doors kicked ajar, ripped feathers floating the air.
The night scented with snow-melting blood.
While the compassionate moon, is showing the way.
For the faceless shadows, searching for kin.
No, I don't want to remember, but I cannot forget.

Do I want to remember this world upside down?
Where the departed are blessed with an instant death.
While the living condemned to a short wretched life,
And a long tortuous journey into unnamed place,
Converting Living Souls, into ashes and gas.
No. I Have to Remember and Never Let You Forget.



HomelandLois E. Olena

It was Christmas eve
and there was no room in the inn,
the Oswiecim inn,
so the Arrow Cross
took the children,
barefooted
and in their nighties,
out to the Danube
and filled their little bellies
not with bread
but bullets
flipping them
like tiddlywinks
into the congealing, icy river below.

It was the Red Danube
that night,
choking on the blood
of orphan Jews
whose little Blue faces
floated downstream
touring even all of Europe
until they washed up
on the shores of Eretz Yisrael
and came back to life,
their little blue and white
bodies
raised high,
flapping in the wind.

*IM BACK*

Ok so I've given up on the novel thing...for right now. I'll porobably back at it later, but its probably going to be fiction as oppossed to more autobiographical. I'll just stick to my poetry for right now. Look for more to come.

*Apologies*

I apologize! I kno i haven't been blogging recently. I've been extremely busy...unfortunately, and just haven't had time to deal with this whole blogging thing. To make things even more compicated, I will probably now be taking an even longer hiatus because I'm working on a novel. Forgive me but it is what it is! I will try to blog some every now and again, but if I can't...so be it. LUV U ALL!!!
*~Pray for me~*

A Story of Love- Part 2

Unkissable
Face to face
The only thing seperating us
Is the thickness of our passion
You
So eager
To tast
To experience
To feel
But sin lies within these lips
Making them unkissable

(c) 2008

A Story of Love- Part 1

Unloveable
You say you love me
But you don't
You're in love with the idea of me
The notion of me
You can't really love me
Because the real me is unloveable
You're in love with this shell
This exterior being
That covers what lies within
A reality this is unloveable
Save your love
Don't throw it away
On something you can't love
It may be hard for you to let me go
But I'm setting you free
Because you can't love me
You can't REALLY love me
Because the real me...
Is unloveable

A Love Story- Part 10

The End
They say
All good things must come to an end
And all things that weren't meant to be
Always end more tragically
Walking away
From the broken pieces of our relationship
Leaving behind
Our house of love
As it burns to the ground
Left to become ashes
That will blow away in the wind
A tear runs down my cheek
But I dare not look back
I dare not stop
I keep going
Keep going back for the old me
I cry
Because it hurts
Knowing that this is the end
But they've always told me
That all good things must come to an end
And all things that weren't meant to be
Always end more tragically
Knowing that
I keep on pressing my way
Accepting that this is the end
The end of this story
But when one story ends
You write another one

(c) 2008

A Love Story- Part 9

Can't Resist
Rough times
I left you
Didn't want to have anything to do with you
But when you needed me the most
I was there for you
You hurt me
You chopped up my heart and threw it at me
But through it all I loved you
There when you needed me
To carress your mind
Body
And soul
Can't deny love
Can't resist my feelings for you
Not sure I'm over what you've done
The pain is still there
As strong and forceful as the day it happened
But love conquers all
And I can't resist loving you
Can't resist your touch
Your feel
Your lips
Your body
The soul of the real you that lies within
The person I actually love
When you need me I'll be there
I can't resist
Because my love won't let me
I can't resist
Because I don't want to

(c) 2008

A Love Story- Part 8

Fighting for Love
A blow to the chest
A blow to the stomach
You hurt my body
But what you did to my soul was worse
Hitting the body you just kissed
Bruising the skin you just held so close
Hurting the person you just made love to
I've never done anything to you
But love you
So if I was wrong for that please let me know
How could you let something tear down what we've built
Explain why you felt it necessary to hit me
To become the very thing you hate
What feeling did seeing me quiver in fear give you
What satisfaction did you get from seeing my broken skin
What form of love makes this acceptable
How could you put the person you claim to love through so much pain
Did you feel powerful?
Felt like more of a man?
Standing over me with your foot on my throat
Squeezing the life out of me
Watching the tears run down my cheeks
Were you fighting my love?
Or fighting to keep it?
Or did you want to leave me as broken as you?
I get the feeling we're fighting for two different reasons
I'm fighting for love
Fighting to hold on to what we have
You're fighting from pain
Fighting to let go of a part of you you wish you didn't

(c) 2008

A Look Into What My Sign Says About Me

L • I • B • R • A • : The Bitch
Can be mean sometimes, and will Probably knock your ass out, if crossed the wrong way!! EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

This is how I feel

I dont care. I just really don't. I'm feeling very nonchalant. Things I should probably care about...I don't. Kind of cold, heartless, and emotionless. I will not hesitate on accout of how it might make others feel. Your feelings are no longer important. Who matters in my world? Me. That's who I care about. If your're in some way, shape, or form offended by what I do and/or say...o well. I don't care.

This is how I feel

I am not to be taken advantage of
Not to be played
Thought things would be the same
Then I threw you a curveball
Yea feel free to pick your face up off the floor
It happens to the best of us
Hopefully next time you'll come correct

*Dream*

Let night fall
Let the sandman sprinkle his dust on me just one more time
So I can be close to you
Allow me to emerse myself
In the peace and tranquility
Remove myself
From the negativity and betrayal
I will hold to you
For dear life
When the sun tries to tear us apart
Let night stay forever
So I can be close to you
May my eyes never open
So this time will never end
Allow night to always be with me
And protect me from the grasp of reality

(c) 2008